Existential crisis: a time when one questions whether their life has value, and whether that value transcends life itself.
About six weeks ago I contracted a bacterial infection that landed me in the hospital for eight days with another five weeks of serious follow-up. During the early, medically-induced-spacy hours of this trial, I honestly thought I might die. It was for me an existential moment.
I had plans. I had goals. Suddenly, none of them mattered. When I got home from the hospital, nothing mattered. I didn’t have the strength to do those mundane things to which I hadn’t ever given a second thought – laundry, bed-making, even tooth-brushing were impossible chores. I couldn’t focus long enough to read a page, much less a book. I could hardly climb the stairs, much less take a walk. My appetite was gone in the face of heavy doses of medication.
Ironically, right before this illness, I faced a different kind of crisis moment, when the manuscript I had worked on for a year (and a story I had loved for years before that) fell apart in a heap of “not working.” My editor and I decided it had to be shelved. This, too, was existential. What would happen to my career? To my commitment to my publisher? Where would I go next? Was I at the end of my writing life?
I’m happy to say that I’ve returned to about eighty percent of normal, at least physically. Emotionally is another matter. Every decision, now, is made in the recognition of my own mortality and the question of whether what I do is transcendent and adds value, or not.
And even more fortunately, I’m not only on a road to physical recovery, but I’m also at work on a new manuscript about which I’m deeply excited (and Rookskill Castle fans will be happy to know is a companion novel) and which has my editor’s blessing.
That these events, the illness and the writing derailment, coincided added to their weight. And that adds to my consideration of value, and whether I am able to transcend my own existence and create something – or leave something behind – or act in such a manner in every daily encounter – that is meaningful and adds value, even in the smallest of ways.
That’s the question that I’ll ponder every morning I wake up from now on.